Saturday, September 13, 2008

We Do the Darndest Things

If the last posting got you thinking about gardening, then I'm sure you'll appreciate this one (also resurrected from 3 years back).

I found this little gem on the Internet and thought you may be amused at the idiosyncracies of us humans, from a Higher Perspective.

God Finds Out About Lawn Care

"Winterise your lawn," the big sign ouside the garden store commended. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterise it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistles, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it _ sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."


Kali said...

Yes Alice ~ amused AND bemused!

ms*robyn said...

hahahahaha!!!!! laughing hard here... that is funny but so true... I must print it out~ thanks Alice :)

suburbansider said...

sadly, very funny!

melissa said...

You're so funny, but right on target. Just this year, we decided to stop putting weed-killer on our lawn. We've got more interesting things growing (they bloom too!) and funny but the unnamed weeds are greener and prettier, to my thinking!

Love your photos too!

Gina E. said...

LOL LOL LOL! that is a great story!

Stuart said...

ROFL!! You are quite correct Alice. While I do admit to having quite a lot of grass we have also supplemented this with areas of chamomile and diachronda. They're certainly far more interesting and I get more people commenting on them than I do my lawn.

Jellyhead said...

Oh how funny! We were just gazing across at our weed-infested, half-dead lawn in dismay. So why DO we insist on having these pesky things called lawns?

I suppose they are fun for kids to run on.... can't really think of any other good reason!

Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hi Alice,
I thought that was absolutely brilliant, and, unfortunately, so true !!
Hope life is treating you well, and you are enjoying the Spring.
Take care, Meow

Rosemary said...

Thank you for the smile , unfortunately so true.

Patsi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Patsi said...

Funny !!

May I ask... what "zone" are you in?

Kerri said...

That's hilarious, but oh, so true.
Crazy things humans, aren't we?
We do, however, have a lawn made up of dandelions and other weeds, which blooms beautifully yellow in the spring just before we mow off the dandelions, only to have them pop up again almost immediately..or so it seems.
It does stay greener in a dry period than a planted, manicured and pampered lawn.
And we wouldn't dare add any fertizer!

meggie said...

LOL! I enjoyed both these last 2 posts.

Bobbi said...

I've turned my one acre backyard into a meadow garden and I encourage the native dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistles, violets, chicory and clover. It makes me happy because I don't have to water it or mow it and the flowers are beautiful. The wildlife also loves it: plenty of seeds and pollen through all the seasons.

Mandi said...